Now I know.

Exploration — Its not about conquering, not for me. Im here to feel those feelings. I am here to understand the whys and hows. I love it. I pride myself on not forgetting how alive and bountiful the world is around me.

Interesting anecdote: So I had went to bed and my left chest was hurting. Not a normal thing by any means but I was able to get some sleep and woke up with it in even more pain. I didn’t have full mobility of my left arm and every now and then there would be a sharper pain. Now as a person who is mentally active, I trust my instincts, and the downside is when I am experiencing pains and discomforts I am able to get in my own head. The body is resilient and I know that, but my underlying thought is If Preservation of my life is my goal, then shouldn’t I look into all of these aches and pains? I know that doesn’t mean to go to the hospital for every little thing, but for some reason I decided to do it. I was born with a heart murmur and have had to get some ultrasounds of my heart to get cleared for some physicals along the way. Keep in mind, Ive never failed a test, but that doesn’t mean that this experience wasn’t playing a factor in how seriously I treated this idea of having a serious heart problem. So I calmly drive my car 10 min to the hospital, say in a curious mixed with slight concern that “I think I am having some sort of heart issues, maybe a heart attack.” They immediately saw me for obvious reasons did a test or two and concluded that wasn’t the issue. Now as I look back on this experience there is something interesting that stands out to me. When one of the nurses tried to give me an anti-pain medication, I said no… It would have cleared my pain, but my thought process was that if I were to have a heart attack, I want to feel it.

Let it be known that this was not premeditated. I don’t know why I said it, but in attempt of deep self awareness, ill try.

I crave feeling. I crave the new. I trust that there is value in knowing a feeling. And looking back if I was having a heart attack I wouldn’t have wanted to go out numb and emotionless. I want it to be in a burst of passion and humanity. It’s like a really passionate orgasm. Our lives our this great compilation of build up and especially as a young ambitious adult — I will not go out with a whimper. I will go out fighting and clawing. My life is worth pain, its worth sacrifice its worth risk and emotion. I know nothing great happens to anyone, I know that humans either impose their will or be imposed upon. We are savage in that way, but the strongest fish that swim and hunt in the currents. Self-propelling or self-dissuasive. You decide.

No one but my parents know about that experience. It is quite embarrassing for me to even think about. But it has been a moment I think about when feeling a little dull. My body craves movement and emotion & I wont deny it.

How this ties back to exploration? You have to put yourself in unseeable circumstances to find and pinpoint who you are and what you are made of.